In the lyrics of Jessie J, it’s okay not be okay… (You’ve all just sang that haven’t you!!)
Sorry I’ve been a little quiet this past week.. I found myself in a really bad place, the wait for my results proving altogether overwhelming, ended in a full-on sob fest all over my Instagram story!
But, I soon came to realise that it’s okay, it’s okay not to be okay! We’re all human, we all have feelings, fears, thoughts and more importantly emotions, and how they show themselves, sometimes we have no choice over the matter.
As I sit here 3 minutes to midnight, wide awake due to worry and everything else life throws at you, I’m smiling to myself because I know, this time will pass and whether its good news or bad, it’s okay… because it’s okay to feel all these emotions, it’s okay to be scared, to be worried, but what isn’t okay, is pretending. Pretending you are okay to stop other people feel awkward around you, it isn’t okay to act brave because you feel you have too, it’s not humanly possible to be positive Polly all the time. Life isn’t a bouquet of beautiful perfect flowers, life is a beautiful bouquet of roses but with a few thorns in its tail. That’s life!
I’ve lost count of how many times someone has told me how strong I am in the past 2 years. People say things like “I don’t know how I would cope in your position” or “I don’t think I could be as strong as you”, and the thing that I really want to say back to all of them? You’re stronger than you think.
Looking back, I don’t know how I got through it, I wasnt okay, I was in a horrible place. I was sad, upset, low and on my really bad days, even depressed, It was hard, my cancer battle is right up there with the worst, most agonising and heartbreaking battles of my life.. And the feelings I felt back then, I wouldnt wish on my worst enemy..
I was far from okay..
But thats alright, because it doesnt last forever, those moments where you feel like everything around you is crumbing into a million pieces, where life as we know it is at it’s worst point.. Feels like hell.. it does. But that doesnt last forever.. And in that moment where your NOT okay, Its okay not to be..
In certain circumstances, you do just get through things, I hate being vulnerable. I hate showing any signs of weakness. I don’t know why, I just do. And above anything else, I really hate letting people down or making them worry about me. I like to be the fixer, the agony aunt that I joke about on Instagram, (but secretly love) I’m the one who can sort things out. I like to help rather than be helped. So, this was and still is my mentality when it comes to showing emotions publicly.
But what I’m saying is.
There’s no shame in not being okay sometimes. In fact, quite the opposite. Putting your hands up and asking for help when the pressure is getting a little bit too much is a show of strength, not a sign of weakness. I’ll admit, I felt like a prize idiot getting upset in front of you all, but so many people where there to help, and in the end, I felt empowered, uplifted and loved.
So, I guess, the point of my rambling is that to prove that it really is okay, it’s okay to ask for help, to phone your girlfriends, boyfriends, to cry for an hour and not know particularly why it is your crying, to take time for you, to feel like you need space, allow yourself whatever you need, light a candle, read a book, run a bath, do whatever you need. But remember, it’s okay, not to be okay…
Tomorrow is a brand-new day. So, take one day at a time.
With lots of love. Gem x